Death and Healing

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I lost my husband six years; one month and sixteen days ago and finally I think it’s time to rebuild my life. I’m still not sure what that means but I know it’s not sitting in my room, crying, eating, cleaning the house until I am exhausted and chain smoking cigarettes. I finally came to the realization that you would not be happy with the person I had succumbed to. I actually contemplated that I would grieve forever that this should be my destiny.. I’m still not sure what that means but I do know now life is much more than grief.

I was frightened because I couldn’t picture you anymore. The image that visited me was a nineteen year old young man, vibrant, handsome and fearless. I had to pick up a photograph to remember you as you had become, the small details of your face. The etches and grooves and sagging skin that came with age but also too many illnesses back to back that stole into your life like a thief without warning.

I couldn’t remember your wonderful scent. I find myself constantly opening your cologne especially Jimmy Choo your favorite , and the aroma is a reminder of a time when you were near. I kept most of your clothing, couldn’t part with those items so dear to my heart. Your favorite shirts and pants they still hang in your closet. Sometimes late at night, really in the wee hours of morning. I get up and put on one of your sweaters. I needed all these things to cushion my loss.

People would tell me with time it would be okay, after all time healed everything but that was not so. Time doesn’t change how you feel when you love someone as I have loved you. You just don’t cry as often but the pain of loving and losing follows you, it’s like a fine thread that gets caught on your pants leg. and pulls you back . You go places that you two used to go together. You listen to laughter, watch couples holding hands or just walking together and you feel a stab in your heart. And you ask if only I had just a little more time? You know all the things you would do if you had more time. You think about the silly arguments, but also the times you both cried together, yes I miss it all.

I miss it so much. I miss hearing you debate with someone and how you refused to be on the losing end. I miss eating from your plate although I know you didn’t like it , but I did it anyway. Our late night walks at the deserted beach , how we took off our shoes and let the water nip at our feet. I even enjoyed watching you sleep knowing then peace came to you then in your dreams. I miss our shopping trips to the maul. I miss you washing my back because I always had a problem stretching my arm. I miss you making me fried eggs well done and hash browns when I worked late. I never liked eggs but when you made them – well its was like having a nice dinner. Your youngest daughter tried to fix me a fried egg and I think it may have come in at a seven but never a ten. I miss laying on your chest while you read. I miss you calling me Terri because no one has ever called me Terri but you. I miss dancing for you in my bare feet.in the rain, you said it was foolish but how you bubbled over with laughter. And the gladiolas three dozen every two weeks. I remember how I complained about why so many considering I had to clip them? No one gives me gladiolas now.

And it saddens my heart that has so many cracks that I don’t think they can be mended. You always thought of me. I knew you were sick and knew how you said you were so very tired not being able to do the things you used to. What did I say to you – find something else to do. I think you knew that time was of essence. And you crammed as much as you could into our lives; taking me places, buying me gifts and telling me how beautiful I still was. All those things you said and did for me.

And the day before your funeral it was Valentines day. A delivery of flowers, three dozen yellow roses. I thought to myself roses are not appropriate however when I read the card it was from you. You said I know you love gladiolas but I think these will do. Thank you for all you have done for me. I am your greatest fan. I broke down in tears and I thought, no I was your greatest fan. Even when you were nearing your star in the sky, you thought of me.

So now I will rebuild my life without you.. I will try to make sense of what the impending future holds for me. I will do some of the things I always thought of doing but never did. I will listen to that small voice in my head – that is actually telling me to write- you can make your dream become a reality – that is your voice.

I will begin the tedious process of finding an audience for my stories; plays, screenplays – everything that was completed years ago but was never really circulated – my fear of rejection hindered my growth. Now I will do these things without fear of failure but instead only the possibility of becoming who I was always meant to be.

Six years, one month and sixteen days. No more grieving because I choose to live for both of us. I know you will be there cheering me on because you were and always will be my biggest fan.

Marriage

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Watch how the flowers bloom. From a tiny seed they sprout and thrive from the nutrients in the soil, sun and water. As time passes they grow into beautiful, colorful flowers that dance in the sunlight.

Flowers that are not attended to die and wither away, with their beauty disappearing into the soil as it is with a marriage that isn’t nurtured. A marriage requires love, patience, understanding, friendship and forgiveness in order to continually bloom.

Love is forever

Hopeful for my Son

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The human mind is as complex as the universe – man has not discovered a  magical cure or some atypical drug to wipe the slate clean.  Mental illness surrounds us – we see it in the blank faces that have lost touch with reality or what we believe reality should be. Doctors state generally it is a chemical imbalance and when the mind is not in sync it shuts down – producing instead hallucinations both audio and visual; paranoia, and  scattered thoughts that run everywhere but together.  Imagine a car stuck in a traffic stop, cars keep piling up but the driver cannot  find any free lane to cross over to.  It’s similar to the neurons in the human brain – they are stuck in a traffic jam that renders them helpless to leave the car and run for safety.  Each psychotic episode acts like a villain injuring a bit more of that person’s existence.  The future is fragile for the person who has been diagnosed as schizophrenic and for the person that is strongly connected to that person, their future too changes dramatically.  They suffer in a different way than the victim but in many ways they are victims too.

When you love someone there isn’t a switch that can shut down ones feelings , I know first hand that with each year – my son’s illness has done something to me that cannot not be repaired or undone, the scars will always remain.  I know there will be good days for him and those days I bask in my own happiness – but those days always vanish too quickly and I’m left with the uneasy feeling in my heart that doom is near. Call it mother’s intuition but I know when an episode is in the making,  only recently I discovered I never know when it will end.   Each new episode is worst than the one before and I tell myself I’m not strong enough to hold it together but I do – I always find the strength to hold on. God has picked me up when I was unable to take a step.

When I think of the past and contemplate everything that was stolen from him at sixteen I feel a bitterness in my heart swell up and I steady myself for sometimes my rage stares back at my reflection in the mirror.  He was not able to graduate from high school; never went to the prom; never had a chance to date and never knew the magic or passion of falling in love.  I know he would have been a wonderful father because of his sensitivity and love for family.  I know he would have been a good provider because he always worked jobs and knew how to save his money.  I knew in old age I could have depended upon him for comfort – because he always gave me comfort when I was down.  He had a certain confidence that made me think of a much older person – a soul that had been here before.  He was always dependable and was willing to get his hands dirty, tinkling  under hood of a  car; working on his ATV quad or doing housework or yard work.  And he had a special talent that without reading directions he knew how to assemble or put anything together.   Such a special son that I was immensely proud of.

I miss all of this – I miss my shadow – I miss the person that always knew how I felt without me saying a word.  I’m bitter because he lost so much and I’m bitter because his lost was mine too.  I wish he was not locked away in a mental facility as they try to end his psychosis – trying different drugs  and its been nearly three weeks and not any progress. But today I was hopeful after talking with psychiatrist, when he said with emotion, “He suffering so much”.  I had a surge of hope because I knew I was talking to someone who cared and someone who listened to his mother and did not dismiss my words – for I am the voice for my son.

Where is Hope

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My heart has shattered many times and each time I have had to search deeper to put the pieces together, yet his mind has shattered too many times and recently it seems as though it takes too long to make him into an imitation of the person he used to be.  Tears flow as a meandering spring – tears that I wipe and dab at and  many times I say they are finally as dry as a fine piece of mud that has set in the scorching sun too long.  And when the wind comes so it blows the particles away, but that is what I would like to believe that my tears have finally disappeared evaporated into the wind – only they have not.

Each time he has a relapse it worst than the one before and it is very difficult when he can not acknowledge my presence – how I wish he could call out my name – say mom I need you, but he can’t.  I think what hurts the most is staring into his blank empty light brown eyes that are now so dark.  He is blinded by the world that evolves around him.  He has become a passive bystander that has lost his step in life and I am so angry at life and his fate.

A mother has a responsiblity to her child, it does not matter if he is five or thirty it never changes even with the passing of time.  The years have disappeared, he is no longer sixteen – he is now thirty-five, but all my wonderful memories are of a young, vibrant and loving son.  I think that is what sustains me in the difficult times that never cease to be – I think of the past and long desperately for that wonderful young man to appear again.

I close my eyes and daydream of him and I remember, yes I remember as he was before that horrible illness stole my son from me.  I think of all the many doctors, the different treatments, the many prayers and I wonder why?  Why has this horrible thief  taken my son’s mind and wiped his dreams into oblivion.  I have so much hatred in my heart – I hate the word schizophrenia.

Is a good man hard to find?

Helene Richardson2 Comments

Oh, I know there must be some out there – somewhere.  One may be just around the corner but I have come across plenty of bad ones.  Not that I’m looking but it’s difficult not to see the drama even if only as a bystander.   I know there are plenty out there and I have known many that were diamonds – cut precise with all the attributes of quality that defines a good man.     If you have a good man – then treat him good.  Allow your man to reach his full potential by praising his many wonderful qualities – by supporting his decisions – by loving him when he’s at his lowest point in life.   You need to strive to be his friend; comforter, teacher and lover – a man won’t stray from a good woman and if he does it wasn’t meant to be.

We bash our men, ridicule and humiliate them.   We tear them down and then we wonder where are they?   Hello! Even a good man can turn bad when he has been torn to fragments.    You may be one of those good women that turned bad after dealing with so many bad men.   That’s life and dreams are only as real as we strive to make them.  

We as women help to build good men – we are the bearers of their birth.   Good men aren’t just born into this world, but they grow into good men by having nurturing loving  mothers.   So remember women play a major role in building good men.  If you have sons – teach them to treat a woman like a diamond by setting an example.   A male that lives in a home riddled with turmoil – witnessing  his mother berate his father ,becomes defensive and tackles each woman he meets as if he was on a football field.  We must take responsibility of  our sons growth by helping to define all the many qualities that women seek in a strong male. 

 Is a good man hard to find – I think not.    There is a woman waiting to catch what you throw away.    You think he’s trash, well it’s possible that she has the erudition  to make that chip of a diamond become a karat.

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Friendship

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Life is unpredictable but friendship is an amazing journey – we cannot live in this world without friends, yet we should never take friendship casually.   Many of us will say friend – but what defines a real friend?    I remember something my mother used to say to me when I was very young and at the time it didn’t make much sense.  Yet,  later in life I understood her meaning.  “True friends are like diamonds precious and so rare, but false friends are like pennies easy to find, yet so hard to get rid of.”  Her words a simple cliche,  had a profound meaning that I could not begin to fathom until I was much older and understood what friendship really was.

We have many associates in life.  We have people we hang out with, but friends sometimes are few and far removed.   Sometimes it takes a crisis to prevail before we really understand who our true friends are.   Friendship is a special bond and distance nor time will ever diminish the value of an invincible relationship.  Friends can have disagreements – they can become angry at you and can even stop hanging out with you, but if a need arises a true friend is always there to support you.   You can tell a true friend your innermost secrets and those secrets will never escape their lips.  You can cry to a friend and they will share your tears as if they were their own.   You can be in a precarious financial predicament and that friend will pool their resources to help you.   That special friend will love your family and friends as if they were their own.

If you are blessed to have true friends – then value them.  Let them know how much they mean to you.  Embrace your friendships because truly you are as wealthy as a millionaire.  You hold diamonds near and who needs pennies -when you can find them everywhere.

Serenity XOXO

Life

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Life is a series of roads, some with endings and some that are continuous – it comes down to knowing which road to travel. And in the event you happen to take the wrong road – understand detours are there for a reason – they serve as a lesson, smart enough you won’t travel the wrong road again.

In many instances we wonder why life presents too many challenges?  We ask ourselves why me and I say why not you?  Many years ago my son became ill.  I wasn’t prepared for it, but who ever is.  It was unexpected and I comtemplated and pondered why did it happen to my son?   I had to analyze my life and yes, I had to accept his fate, his suffering made me view life with a different perspective.  Everything I had  taken for granted – I came to view as a privillege.  It was a gift to be free from illness – it was a gift to wake each day and it was a gift to have the strenght to stand by my son when many people disappeared from our lives.  There were many lessons to be learned from his illness.  God gave me the serenity to understand and the wisdom to know that I could not make any radical changes.  I was wise enough not to blame and wise enough not to harbor anger and resentment.

Yes, I traveled many roads over the years – some horrific detours and some that were comforting, but from the pain I grew into a better person.  I have a greater appreciation for life.  I see beauty in a simple sunset and a smile from a stranger or a simple greeting makes me happy that I’m here.   Material gains can never be as satifying as acceptance and love.

I learned from the many roads I traveled and though the pain and suffering of feeling isolated – I have grown strong.  I have learned the gift of humility and patience.  I have learned that if you love someone there should never be any constraints.  I have learned that the homeless bum, it still a human being with the same emotions as the drug addicted person.  I have learned and because I have mastered so much over the last few years – that many of those roads I have traveled were not a  one way street, but lead me to highways of life.

Wishing you Peace and Happiness

Serenity XOXO

Don’t run from change

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A caterpillar is ugly but a metamorphosis takes place and then it becomes a spectacular creature that flies without boundaries. Beauty is much more than perception – beauty is experiencing our five senses to become greater than just a face that fades with time. When we embrace the ability to change we too can become …as beautiful as the butterfly and not ever be inhibited by the world.

We shy away from change, run from change, frown from change because many of us are frightened of the prospect of making changes in our life.  Change can be perceived as good or in many instances we view change as  something bad.   If we are to ever prosper in life we must be ready to embrace change and welcome it.  To change is simply learning to do something better.  It could be that bad relationship or a dead-end job.  Sampling the same food or performing the same boring routine.    Open up your mind to the possibility that you can become just as stunning and free as the butterfly.

Serenity XOXO

Life is too short

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We rush though each day – waiting for the weekend to come – however do we ever comtemplate that it’s our time. Life should be an awarding adventure as we embrace each moment in time. Don’t dare say I can’t wait until the weekend – say instead what can I do today to seek fulfillment. I don’t look at the clock instead I try to cram as many things possible into each passing day. I thank the supreme being for allowing me to wake to a new day. I look at the world with amazement and at myself for being blessed to be alive. No, I refuse to rush against the clock or play mind games to speed up time, because life is too short not to appreciate the beauty of my existence in this world.

Serenity XOXO

Hello world!

Helene Richardson1 Comment

I am but one person in a vast world – moving closer each day to discover who I am and where I fit into this puzzle called life.   I am as minute as a grain of sand – I am as invisible as the wind, that can’t be seen but felt.  I am as the rain that washes away the dirt and disappears with the rising sun.   I am Serenity that brings peace and harmony as one.  I am but one voice waiting to be heard.